


HetaliaStuck!

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers, Homestuck
Genre: Crossover, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-07-03
Updated: 2011-09-17
Packaged: 2017-10-21 00:06:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/218613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John finds someone in his backyard claiming that he is the United States of America. But could he really be when he has never even seen Con Air? But John isn’t the only one getting visits from self-proclaimed countries. What even is going on?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When The Heir Meets The Hero

**Author's Note:**

> Work-in-progress story inspired by my friend Sydney. This fic is dedicated to her.

**— ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 17:08 —**

 **EB:** hey uh…rose  
 **EB:** would you believe me  
 **EB:** if i said that there was a man  
 **EB:** in my room  
 **EB:** claiming to be the united states of america?   
 **TT:** No, probably not.  
 **EB:** ah. figured. 

 **— ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 17:11 —**

John spun in his chair to face the back of the man sitting on his floor. The blond had appeared out of nowhere in John’s backyard and had asked him where the nearest McDonald’s was. John, being the nice kid he was, gave him directions and thought as the man ventured towards the fast food joint, that it would have been the last he saw of him. But not even an hour later, the man was back on John’s doorstep, handing him a kids meal. Now he was sitting in John’s room filing through his collection of action movies. There was a pile on either side of the man. John guessed that one side was movies he had seen and movies he had not seen. He noticed Con Air on the top of one of the piles and smiled to himself. Hopefully this guy had good movie taste.

“Man you really like Nic Cage, don’t ya kid?” The blond laughed, pointing at the pile that Con Air sat atop at.

“Yeah. He’s awesome. The best.” He leaned his hand against his chin and tilted his head. “Don’t you like him?” 

The blond just shrugs and leans back on his hands. “More of a Glen Campbell and Lee Reynolds kind of guy.” John couldn’t help but stick his tongue out at the man. It wasn’t like he didn’t like them, but he had a strong love for Nic Cage and wouldn’t let it change for the world.

What he didn’t expect was getting a pillow to the face. His face was blank as he stared at the pillow on the floor and the man laughing.  _This guy was sure strange…_ John thought.  _But he didn’t seem all that bad._  Smirking, John leaned down, grabbed the pillow and tossed it back at the man who fell back with an thud.

The two stared each other down in silence. A couple minutes went by the blond’s eye twitched. He then made and face causing John to laugh. The two then both made faces at each other, laughing uncontrollably. 

“You’re not that bad for a kid.” The blond said standing and cracking his back. “Name’s Alfred by the way.”

John smiled. “I’m John. John Egbert. So are we like, bros now?”

Alfred grinned. “Yeah why the hell not!”

“By the way,” John leaned back and looked up at the man. “How did you even get here?”

“Uh…” Alfred paused and stuck his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket. “That’s what I would like to know…”


	2. When the Knight Meets the Annoyed

**—carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:30—**

 **CG:** HEY FUCKFACE  
 **CG:** WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN??  
 **CG:** HELLO  
 **CG:** IM TRYING TO FUCKING TROLL YOU RIGHT NOW  
 **CG:** UGH FINE  
 **CG:** FUCK YOU  
 **CG:** I WILL COME BACK

 **—carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:51—**

Frowning, Karkat Vantas moved away from his computer station and walked towards Terezi. She sat on the floor with one of her scalemates on her lap, talking about some criminal and the justice she was going to bring upon them. He crossed his arms and sat next to her. She smiled when she felt him sit next to her and poked his arm. “Hey there Karkat! I thought you were trolling that human kid you’re so obsessed with.”

“I’m not fucking obsessed with the John human!” Karkat growled. “And he’s not even at his fucking computer!”

Terezi put her arm around his neck and chuckled. “Hey hey now no need to get so upset! You have me around still.”

“Fuck you Terezi.” He swatted her hand away and stood up. “I’m going out to get air, you’re in charge.”

She saluted him and grinned. “Aye aye Kar Captain!” She then formed a little heart with her fingers. Karkat felt his face flush as he made one as well. Then realized how STUPID he looked making a hand heart to a blind girl.

“I made you a fucking heart back.” He mumbled. She just grinned and nodded. Karkat walked over to the transportalizer and used it to transportalize himself to the roof of his hive. He went over towards the ledge and laid down on his back, staring up at the Alternian sky. Whenever he was angry (which was a lot) he would come out and just stare aimlessly. It calmed him down somewhat and the air did him good. As he started to doze off he noticed something in the sky sparkle. He squinted his eyes and sat up, staring at this face moving twinkle that seemed to grow closer. This…thing…was heading straight towards Karkat. He ducked out of the way as it came closer and crashed at the top of his hive. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” The smoke had not cleared yet but he headed towards the area. He then noticed something shaped like a curled up body. He wasn’t sure til he got closer and noticed a human laying there rubbing his head.

 _…a human?_ “Ow what the fuck happened.” The human sat up and rubbed his cheek. He had an accent, that was clear enough, nothing like the other humans though. The guy fixed a curl in his hair that seemed to just float by itself. That was strange too. Humans were just so fucking strange. The human then realized that there was someone else there near him. He turned and he and Karkat exchanged confused glances.

Then they screamed.


	3. When Things Start Getting Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologizes for not updating for a while! Enjoy xoxo

“You don’t expect me to fucking believe you do you?” Dave sighed over the phone. John had called excitedly to tell him about the man that fell in his backyard and that he was now upstairs watching Con Air.

“But, dude, it’s totally true!” John laughed as he pulled the popcorn from the microwave and poured it into a bowl. “He’s like, oh I don’t get why you love Nic Cage so much and I was like dude why. So I’m making him watch my favorite movies with him in it.”

“Do you even know his name?” Dave asked, popping a bottle of motherfuckin apple juice from his own kitchen and going back to his room.

“Alfred. He said his ‘human name’ was Alfred F. Jones. But he says he’s the United States of America.”

“Dude what.”

“I know right?” John laughed. “He’s kinda…..strange but hey he’s pretty cool I guess.”

“Whatever I guess.” Dave sat down at this computer chair and wheeled it around to look outside his apartment window. “How does your Dad feel about this dude?”

“Dad’s at work.” John explained. “Probably won’t be home till later again I guess. I could just be like oh I talk to him online or something when he gets home.”

Dave grew silent on the phone. Wow Egbert, really smart. “…Well good luck with that. I’m out.”

“Heh. Alright later bro.” And with that, the two hung up. John turned on his heel and jogged back upstairs to his room now equipped with a bowl of popcorn and two cans of Tab. As he hit the door open with his shoe, he expected Alfred to be sitting where he left him, on the floor in front of the television. Instead, the movie was paused and Alfred was sitting at his computer. He turned his head when John walked back in and pointed at the screen.

“Dude sounds like you’re in trouble.” He laughed. John tilted his head in confusion and walked over placing the drinks and food on the floor and leaned over Alfred’s shoulder.

“Aw it’s nothing. Just some troll named Karkat. Don’t worry about him.” And suddenly a new message popped up.

—carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:58——

CG: JOHN SERIOUSLY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU  
CG: I COULD REALLY USE SOMEONE TO BITCH AT RIGHT NOW

John sighed and ushered Alfred off his chair and sat down to reply.

EB: uh well hello to you too!  
EB: whats going on?  
CG: SOME FUCKER FELL FROM THE SKY AND ON TO THE TOP OF THE HIVE  
EB: …wait what

John and Alfred exchanged a glance. “Maybe a friend of yours?” Alfred just shrugged and pointed at the screen.

CG: THIS HUMAN FUCKER JUST CAME THE FUCK OUT OF NO WHERE  
CG: AND I JUST   
CG: I DONT EVEN KNOW  
CG: HE KEEPS COMPLAINING AND WONT SAY WHERE HES FROM OR ANYTHING  
CG: I WANT HIM OUT OF THE HIVE  
CG: SHIT MOTHERFUCKER KEEPS CRYING AND COMPLAINING  
CG: GOG ARE ALL YOU HUMANS THIS WAY?

“Crying and complaining?” Alfred moved John out of his way. “Scuse me bro.”

EB: His name wouldnt happen to be Italy would it???  
CG: SO YOU DO KNOW HIM JOHN?  
EB: This isn’t John. Name’s Alfred. Sup.  
CG: DUDE I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR NAME  
CG: WHERES EGBERT  
EB: Just give me a sec I think I know the guy that fell on your hive or whatever  
CG: REALLY?  
CG: FUCK YEAH HE SAID HE WAS ITALY  
CG: SOUTH ITALY

Alfred made a face at the screen and typed one last thing before walking away to finish watching Con Air.

EB: Ehhh keep him. They’re both pretty useless anyway.

John couldn’t help but snicker.

CG: HE SAID FUCK YOU  
CG: AND NOW HES YELLING IN SOME GOG AWFUL LANGUAGE  
CG: I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK HE IS SAYING  
EB: hahaha dude i feel sorry for you!!!  
EB: at least my guy doesnt complain too much  
CG: YOU ARE ACTING LIKE THIS IS A NORMAL THING  
CG: DO PEOPLE COME AND LAND IN YOUR HOMES ON A REGULAR BASIS?  
EB: well no but  
CG: JUST SHUT UP JOHN  
CG: AND HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO WITH THIS GUY  
EB: fine fine just relax karkat  
EB: hell i would like to know what was going on myself   
EB: maybe rose would know hang on a second  
CG: FINE BUT HURRY UP

—-ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 18:20—-

EB: rose!!!  
EB: you remember that guy i was talking about earlier?  
EB: well there are more like him!!  
TT: I know this already, John  
EB: wait what  
TT: I myself have a strange visitor claiming to be a country.  
TT: Except that this one claims to be England.  
TT: He is rather nice and I enjoy his company.  
TT: Though I am remaining cautious.  
EB: dude this is just getting weirder  
EB: karkat got one too  
TT: As did another one of the trolls.  
TT: The one named Kanaya.  
EB: duuuuuuuude  
TT: Please refrain from using that typing quirk, John.  
TT: It does not fit you.  
EB: fine fine

EB: so i guess ones at roses too  
CG: JEGUS   
CG: THESE FUCKERS KEEP POPPING UP  
CG: KANS GOT ONE AT HER HIVE TOO  
CG: TEREZI IS COMPLAINING THAT SHE WANTS ONE TOO  
CG: SHE THINKS THAT THEYRE PETS OR SOMETHING  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON


End file.
